A Pleasant Month

Yes, I just wrote about how much I hated Budget Rent a Car, but really I can't complain much about the past month. Other than deciding never to do business with them again, it really hasn't affected my overall mood very much.

On Fast Sunday this month, in Elder's Quorum, we talked about new year's resolutions, and habits and things we should all be doing. We went through a pretty long list, and discussed ways that made each of those habits easier to do or more effective when we did them. I don't remember much of anything that was on the list, because one thing stuck out to me more than anything. I hadn't been studying my scriptures much at all. This wasn't a habit that I lost recently, I don't think I've consistently read my scriptures for a prolonged period of time since my mission. I think I almost finished the Book of Mormon when President Hinckley challenged us to a few years ago, but that was about it.

I read my scriptures pretty faithfully during seminary, and then my freshman year of college. I had some amazing experiences with it too, to the point where there is absolutely no doubt in my mind that the Book of Mormon is true. I've been coasting on that testimony for quite some time, not really feeling the need to do any further studying. I know that prophets have said they learn something new every time they read it, I just never really saw much benefit the few times I halfheartedly attempted to restart my habit in the last 10 years.

Another issue I've had so far is not seeing immediate blessings. I've had the blessing (or curse) of recognizing most blessings as they came immediately to me for good works that I had done, or good decisions I had made. I wasn't used to waiting things out. Sure, I had my moments where I was pretty impatient waiting for things to happen, but for the most part, I was able to tie financial blessings to specific decisions or good works that I had done. Up until a year ago, I always felt pretty secure that God was looking out for me.

I've spent the past year or so since losing my job suffering through various levels of depression. The moment I lost my job, I vowed to remain upbeat, but as time wore on, and job prospects weren't materializing, those positive feelings went away. I've said a few things in the presence of my wife and kids that I regret now because I was angry. Angry that I had to go through what I was going through. Angry that I wasn't being rewarded for the parts of the gospel that I diligently followed. I recognized where those feelings were coming from, but there were days and weeks that I didn't feel like fighting those feelings off.

Anyways, I started reading my Book of Mormon on January 4, I've missed one day, and I made up double the next day. I started out the first few days reading in the middle of the day, and then spending some time with the Joseph Smith Papers book that I got from the Beebes for Christmas (so far a good book if anyone is interested). Then I spent a few days barely getting my reading in right before bed, which didn't work out as well so I made more of an effort to get my reading done while I was still awake and alert. I took my scriptures with me to Texas and I read them every day I was there.

Now that I've read a few weeks, I've started making other changes to my lifestyle. I'm trying to get to bed earlier. I started working out so I can be in good shape for whatever academy I end up at. I'm getting healthier and stronger (still haven't lost any weight though :( ) and I'm sure that's contributing to my overall positive feeling, but I feel that it's safe to say that my scripture habits are the main reason.

I've probably read 1 Nephi a million times (I always started there any time I tried to restart my habit) I know the story very well. I knew that Nephi and Lehi went through all sorts of trials to get to the Promised Land. I was never able to liken their story unto myself because I don't think I was ever in any sort of similar situation. Now having been unemployed and waiting for blessings for the past year, and watching the trials that my wife and kids have had to face, and feeling helpless to fix things for them, it's been really easy to put myself into the scriptures, and I've had some really nice insights into it. I never knew what to think when Lehi murmured because Nephi's bow broke. For crying out loud, he was a prophet, he had seen visions, what was the matter with him? It's not like the Lord is going to let you go hungry. It turns out, he got a little impatient, and probably a little hungry. Here he was, doing everything he was asked to do, and their only source of food was broken, not to mention he's got two idiot sons who refuse to get a clue even when angelic visitors rebuke them for being stupid all the time. Looking back, I bet Lehi was a bit ashamed that he didn't hold out hope for heavenly help, but at the time, he was probably thinking 'come on, as if this isn't hard enough already'.

Nephi did just about everything right, and still suffered immensely at the hands of his idiot brothers. The Lord allowed him to be bound, injured, humiliated, and none of it was ever brought about by his own doing.

The thing is, eventually, things worked out well for them. They made it to the Promised Land, they received warnings to flee when it became unsafe for them, and they were blessed as promised when they followed the commandments. It just took them some time to get into a situation where those promised blessings could be honored. It required a lot of patience, long suffering and perseverance to arrive at the point in time where The Lord could make good on His promises. I am not right now in the position where I can realize all the blessings that have been promised to me. My kids are going through a tough time, but they aren't hungry or cold. Living with my in-laws is not ideal, but I am thankful that they are putting up with us. I still don't know what is going to happen (which is a bad thing, I once got really ticked off at Jennifer for surprising me with hockey tickets, she didn't tell me what we were doing til we got to the arena [it was a great present once I knew what I was doing, I just really hate hate hate surprises]) but I feel like I'm getting closer to being gainfully employed.

We are excited about all of our prospects, and I can see the hand of The Lord in the trials that I have faced over the past few years (my last job kind of sucked too) If nothing pans out this summer, I hope I can continue pressing forward knowing that eventually this specific trial will be over. I don't look forward to starting another major trial, but I have faith that I'll be able to meet it head on. I just hope it's not so bad that it has me longing for the days I was unemployed.

I don't use this blog often to express myself this way, but I thought I should today. I'm thankful that I was prompted to begin studying the scriptures again. I'm thankful that I have them, and I'm thankful that I know they're true. I'm thankful for excellent examples that were set for me when I was growing up. I'm thankful for everyone who has helped us out during this difficult time, it would have been impossible to get through this otherwise.

Now I really should be getting to bed, it's past my self imposed bedtime, and Jennifer just looked at me like I'm some sort of hypocrite for being up this late.